Ahh;;

And I want you to know...
That I love the way you laugh.

Dear you.

Dear you,
I'm falling apart. Completely. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything you do, breaks me. Even the good things you do tear me apart. You really are my best friend. You were there for me when no one else was. You were there to listen to me when no one else would. It was you. Always. Even years ago, when you would go from talking to me, to ignoring me;; I STILL knew I would be able to come to you and talk, and you would still listen. Not because you HAD to, but because you wanted to. I can tell you anything. I COULD tell you when I'm mad, upset, angry, with you.. I just choose not to. I don't want you to know that I break down when you ditch me. I don't want you to know that I look into everything you do like a microscope, and I pick it apart. Everytime. Everything you say, everything you do;; I think about it constantly. I fantasize about you. I dream about you. I love you. I do. I have walls up for every person in my life. Everyone. And with you, they could come down in an instant. Everything you do can sway me.
But with all that being said.. I also need you to know;; That I'm done. I am done choosing you over the friends that were there for me when YOU hurt me, or when you didn't believe me, or when you decided to be an asshole. I'm done believing in you. I'm done trusting you. And I'm done depending on you to be my best friend, when I'm not yours. I love you so much more than you love me. I would do anything for you. You could yell at me, and I'd just listen. I don't even think I would fight back. Well, that's a lie. I would fight back. But I'd let you win the arguement, because I KNOW how you are, and you wouldn't let me win. Do you know that I HATE being the one to say sorry? Ask my friends that I have now.. I rarely EVER say sorry first. I hate it. And I don't do it. With you, even when YOU'RE wrong;; I say sorry first. Why? I don't know. Because I'd rather be loving you, and laughing with you, than arguing.
I wish you would see me the way I see you. You are so perfect me. Like, legit perfect. People go there whole lives not being able to find someone that is perfect for them. The only difference between the ones who DO find them, and me.. Is that they probably get to be with them. I will never be with you. Ever. And it hurts to just think about all the time that I waste on you. Like it hurts. It hurts me to think about how I probably hurt my friends due to you, and half the time I don't care;; Because while they are hating me, I'm with you. And I get to spend my time with you. And that's all I really want. I just want to be the one you call when something with your family happens, and you just wanna scream. I wanna be that person, that when you are sitting in bed and you think to yourself "who can I hang out with that will keep my mind off of everything right now". I wanna to be the person you think about, all the time. I wanna be who can make you so mad, but make you so happy within the same minute. I wanna be that person you love. Can I ask you to love me? Can you please just love me like I love you. I can't be IN love with you if you don't love me back. But I'd be so willing to fall in love with you. And only you. And I'm eighteen years old. So I'm naive. And I probably will find someone even more perfect than you. But until then. You are the only person I'm willing to take my walls down for. You. Only you. I trust you with everything. EVERYTHING. I don't trust people, love. Ever.
You remember the things I forgot I told you. How do you do that? You make yourself seem so amazing everytime I'm with you. There are things about you that I don't know, and when I do find them out, I just love you more. There isnt ONE thing, about you that I hate... Other than your ability to make me so vulnerable with you.
I'm officially done trying. All day today I did awesome. I didnt answer you, and twice, you texted me AGAIN. Now, you're not answering me. And you wont. We're done talking tonight. But I won't text you first tomorrow. Or the next day. And I won't see you this up coming weekend. I don't want to "win" fights anymore. I want to be done. I'm done being so confused, and so hurt, by something that doesnt mean a thing to you. I'm done wtih going to my friends about you. Because you are all I talk about. And that's done. I'm done with that. It's the same story with you. You do something, I fall for it, I get confused, I cry. I'm done crying. I'm done with all of that. I will confesss, That this motivation to NOT talk to you will probably only last till you sweet talk me, and call me dear. But until then.. I'm done. And I wish you could read this and realize how much you break me. I love you. Always.

Believe me;; I'm lying.

Stop believing me.
Seriously.
Like, you trust me so much, you believe everything I say.
Are you mad?
No.
Okay.
NO! like I'm PISSED.
Who was that about?
.. so and so..
oh!
NO! It was about YOU.
Stop! believing me.
I hate that you trust me so much to let me get away with lying.
I hate lying to you.
and I do it anyway so that you wont know that my day revolves around you.
ijsoafjasofiajf just STOP. believing me.
No else does. Why do you?
I mean, I never lie to you about anything else.
Ever.
Even when I SHOULD lie to you.
I don't.
I tell you everything.
Now ask me questions dealing with YOU..
and I'll lie my ass off.
UGHH!!!
ofijsaofjaoifj stop trusting meee.
MAKE ME TELL YOU that I'm mad at you.
MAKE ME TELL YOU that my status was about you.
MAKE ME TELL YOU that what you said hurt me.
MAKE ME TELL YOU that I love you.
MAKE ME. Please. Just make me tell you the truth.

Sweetie;; You had me.

I'm a really angry person.
Everything that happens in my life, makes me angry.
I should be upset, and sad.. But instead I get pissed off.
I punch things all the time.
All. The. Time.
Today, it was because YOU are an idiot.
I really do hate you.
Like, if it was anyone else, I would have flipped out on them by now.
But it's not.
It IS you.
And I can't do that.
I hate that about myself.
I let you run my life;; without you even knowing about it.
You have no idea I feel this way.
But I wouldn't want you too.
When I tell people I love you, But I would never date you.
I'm not kidding.
I could never ever date you.
I honestly think even if you would text me right now;;
and tell me how in love you've been with me, since blah blah blah, some gay lovey dovey thing..
I would say no.
No, I will not date you.
and no, I will not fall further in love with you, while you fall in love with me.
No.
I can't lose you.
And we would hate eachother by the time that relationship ended.
Because I know it would end.
It wouldnt grow, and get better with time, and stronger.
No. We would kill eachother.
Because we are the same person, and we are too damn stubborn.
Our fights would last forever.
And you would never admit when you're wrong.
And I'll explain to you why I'm right
We wouldn't work.
And I'd lose you.
I couldn't live with that.
ofjaoijfoaijfoaifjaofisjfoaifjaoifj.
You make me so angry.
I hate you.
I really do.
Like today..
You really needed to tell me that you were gonna be home saturday?
Kiss myyyy assss.
Do you have any idea how many times TOTAL I have ditched my friends for you?
And you couldnt do it one day?
And now you wanna "just let me know" That you're gonna be home saturday?
No.
You fucking asshole.
I will no ditch my friends AGAIN.
P.s... I said this last weekend..
I HATE YOU.
Like it's my fault why I cave.
If I ever flipped out on you for this..
You would win. Cause you NEVER tell me to ditch my friends.
I CHOOSE TOO.
Which sucks too.
Because I hate myself for doing it.
WHY CAN'T I SAY NO TO YOU?!
It's so easy for me to say no to anyoneee else.
ANYONE.
But you.
No.
You could tell me to jump off a cliff, and tell me it wouldnt hurt.
And I'd probably do it.
That's how FUCKING RETARDED I am when it comes to you.
No normal person does that.

OH!!!! thennn!
you talk to the girl you hooked up with before.
You guys are gonna end up hanging out..
since ya know.. she needs to get "HEALTHY"?!..
and then you guys are gonna "hang out"
YEAH!. uhhh. Like WE.. hang out?
Asshole.
I hate you.
I really do.
You're a piece of shit.
And you are gonna go and "hangout" with her, and with my luck, come over after..
or the next day..
Why else would you hang out with her?
You don't even like her.
YOU'RE ALREADY GETTING IT.
So whyyy?!?!?!?!
oifjsofjsaofjasoifjasoifjsoafij
you suck.
you make me crazy.
I wishhh I was strong enough to say goodbye to you.
But I cant. And I wont.
It's so hard to live my life with you in it.

Got my middle finger up;; ask me how I feel.

Dear ex best friend.
You.. are a bitvh.
You are so lucky that I didnt call your dumbass out in the hall.
You're nothing but a bitch.
Get with him, and see what happens to your face.
I DECLINED one of your exs who hurt you more than anything on facebook, because I STILL RESPECT YOU.
But youre best friends with mine now?
Youre a snake, and I hate you.
I have never been so happy to not be friends with someone in my life.
You would have just kept lying to me.
Wanna hang out with ?
Oh you thought I didnt know?
Wrong.
Late or not, I'll always find out.
Now you fucked up.
And now i hate you.
"Oh well we arent enemies, I just dont see us ever being like we were"
oh.. well thats cute.. CAUSE NOW WE ARE ENEMIES, you dumb fucking smut.
I hate you.
And you will know about it.
Don't ever talk to me again.
Smile at me like we're cool;; and you'll regret it.
TEST ME, bitch. I fucking dare you.

It never felt right calling this just friends...

I get so mad at the thought of you being with someone as often as youre with me.
I get pissed all the time when I stop and think about it.
Never does it seem to fail to put me in a bad mood.
You know there are times when I'll be happy as I can be, and I'll think about how you don't love me like I love you, or you just dont see things the way I do..
And My mood changes instantly.
I sometimes have to leave the room I'm currently in if people are surrounding me, because explaining my bipolar moment to people never really seem appealing.
I try so hard to stay mad at you. But I know when I'm being ridiculous.
So I cave. Every. Single. Time.
Now I've been told you are out of my league.
And although it sucks more than anything to hear..
It's true.
Why on earth, would I think that you ever settle for someone like me when you can have any girl you want.
I'm naive and immature for thinking such things.
Hearing it, sucks. But at the end of the day, I still know it's true and that you deserve the best.
So I will try my best to get back to my state of mind before I thought things between us might be changing.
I will try to be okay with you finding someone else.
And I will try to be okay with you not telling me certain things.
And I will try to be okay with you not talking to me all day every day.
Which, will bother me even if I DO get back on track.
Because no matter what I say I DO wanna talk to you all day everyday.
So Screw That :)
Ugh I love every little thing about you.
and it honestly hurts sometimes.
I honest to God, find myself thinking about you and my stomach hurts.
What the hell is that? Like why on earth would my stomach hurt?
It's painful loving you, dearest.
It's more pain than I've felt in a long time.
But then when youre here, its the happiest I have been in 4 years, and I love you more because of that.
It's strange how well we truely get along.
Like it's a tad creepy.
You finish my sentneces as I finish yours.
You say what I'm thinking before I think It.
YOU EVEN, say what I'm thinking, when it's off topic.
We wont even be talking about what I'm thinking about, and you'll say my exact thoughts.
You know me better than anyone.
You read me better than anyone.
You understand me better than anyone.
You know the movie, my best friends wedding?
With Julia Roberts?
Yeah, thats gonna be me and you.
You will find a blonde, thats nothing like me.
and we get along better and have more fun.
But you'll be in love with the beautiful blonde, while I sit loving you, watching you get married.
That will be the saddest day of my life.
We will no longer be the person the other one goes too about everything.
The day you stop telling me everything..
yeah that day will be horrible.
I didnt tell you I went on a broadway trip and we both found that weird.
A BROADWAY TRIP.
what the hell would you do if I didnt tell you anything else?
We are made for eachother. and yet we were made to be strictly best friends.
I hate not being able to tell you I love you every night before you go to bed.
I hate that you don't tell me you need me.
But I know you do.
And deep down.. I know that you know that I love you.
And I think thats why every time i say i hate you. You look at me with those green eyes, smile, and say "no you dont".
You know. And I know you know.
But im comfortable.. and You keep me around cause im something to do.
You drive me crazyyy with everything you do.
When you're here, I go nuts when your attention isnt on me.
I hate it. and you know THAT too.
I know you do.
Why else would you notice something was wrong if no one else in the room did?
I know you know. But you dont know how to say you know.
And I hate it.
You read me so well, all the time.
We've been more touchy and flirty than we've ever been.
and I dont know how to take it.
I really dont.
You are so confusing.
Youre best friend thinks we should date.. hahahahhaha
funny right? I thought so too.
You and I would KILL eachother if we dated.
hahaha it would be crazy.
We'd do nothing and still have fun though.
WE COULD WATCH STRAIGHT TO THE DVD EVERYNIGHT!
That would keep you happy, you big goon.
Well.. These are all the things I wish I could say to you..
And tonight I finally get to say I love you.

I love you, my dear. sleep well.

But if it keeps you around; Then I'm down.

So I guess being used is okay...
I mean.. whats the big deal?
Right?

WRONG AS FUCKING ALWAYS.
Everything is the big deal.
How do I ALWAYS end up being the one that's being used.
I'm better off alone, with no friends.
Back up off of me, and we'll be good.
Wanna...?
No. I wanna punch you in your face.
Wanna...?
No. I wanna kick you in your jaw.
Wanna...?
No. I wanna drop kick you to the floor.

I wish more than anything that I could hate you.
Thattt my dearest would be amazing.
nfjasfiojasfoj likeee really?
Just stop talking to me.
Foreverrr.
Stay out of my life.
and make me miss you every single day.
Pleaseee..
Just kidding, please dont leave.
that would hurt more than any break up and we arent even together.
When the hope for a future dies out what are you suppose to do?
I don know what to do anymore.
Everything I thought, is a joke.
And I'm an idiotic girl for ever thinking otherwise.


YOU WINKED AT ME.
youre hot.
You'd be funnn.
You hate me.
We'd never happen either.
Life is full of bullshit.

YOURE moving.
oh hey, youre cool.
You'll fuck that up too.
ughhh I hate you.

You are fake.

You are a bitch.

I hate you allllll.

:/