Dear you.

Dear you,
I'm falling apart. Completely. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything you do, breaks me. Even the good things you do tear me apart. You really are my best friend. You were there for me when no one else was. You were there to listen to me when no one else would. It was you. Always. Even years ago, when you would go from talking to me, to ignoring me;; I STILL knew I would be able to come to you and talk, and you would still listen. Not because you HAD to, but because you wanted to. I can tell you anything. I COULD tell you when I'm mad, upset, angry, with you.. I just choose not to. I don't want you to know that I break down when you ditch me. I don't want you to know that I look into everything you do like a microscope, and I pick it apart. Everytime. Everything you say, everything you do;; I think about it constantly. I fantasize about you. I dream about you. I love you. I do. I have walls up for every person in my life. Everyone. And with you, they could come down in an instant. Everything you do can sway me.
But with all that being said.. I also need you to know;; That I'm done. I am done choosing you over the friends that were there for me when YOU hurt me, or when you didn't believe me, or when you decided to be an asshole. I'm done believing in you. I'm done trusting you. And I'm done depending on you to be my best friend, when I'm not yours. I love you so much more than you love me. I would do anything for you. You could yell at me, and I'd just listen. I don't even think I would fight back. Well, that's a lie. I would fight back. But I'd let you win the arguement, because I KNOW how you are, and you wouldn't let me win. Do you know that I HATE being the one to say sorry? Ask my friends that I have now.. I rarely EVER say sorry first. I hate it. And I don't do it. With you, even when YOU'RE wrong;; I say sorry first. Why? I don't know. Because I'd rather be loving you, and laughing with you, than arguing.
I wish you would see me the way I see you. You are so perfect me. Like, legit perfect. People go there whole lives not being able to find someone that is perfect for them. The only difference between the ones who DO find them, and me.. Is that they probably get to be with them. I will never be with you. Ever. And it hurts to just think about all the time that I waste on you. Like it hurts. It hurts me to think about how I probably hurt my friends due to you, and half the time I don't care;; Because while they are hating me, I'm with you. And I get to spend my time with you. And that's all I really want. I just want to be the one you call when something with your family happens, and you just wanna scream. I wanna be that person, that when you are sitting in bed and you think to yourself "who can I hang out with that will keep my mind off of everything right now". I wanna to be the person you think about, all the time. I wanna be who can make you so mad, but make you so happy within the same minute. I wanna be that person you love. Can I ask you to love me? Can you please just love me like I love you. I can't be IN love with you if you don't love me back. But I'd be so willing to fall in love with you. And only you. And I'm eighteen years old. So I'm naive. And I probably will find someone even more perfect than you. But until then. You are the only person I'm willing to take my walls down for. You. Only you. I trust you with everything. EVERYTHING. I don't trust people, love. Ever.
You remember the things I forgot I told you. How do you do that? You make yourself seem so amazing everytime I'm with you. There are things about you that I don't know, and when I do find them out, I just love you more. There isnt ONE thing, about you that I hate... Other than your ability to make me so vulnerable with you.
I'm officially done trying. All day today I did awesome. I didnt answer you, and twice, you texted me AGAIN. Now, you're not answering me. And you wont. We're done talking tonight. But I won't text you first tomorrow. Or the next day. And I won't see you this up coming weekend. I don't want to "win" fights anymore. I want to be done. I'm done being so confused, and so hurt, by something that doesnt mean a thing to you. I'm done wtih going to my friends about you. Because you are all I talk about. And that's done. I'm done with that. It's the same story with you. You do something, I fall for it, I get confused, I cry. I'm done crying. I'm done with all of that. I will confesss, That this motivation to NOT talk to you will probably only last till you sweet talk me, and call me dear. But until then.. I'm done. And I wish you could read this and realize how much you break me. I love you. Always.