Heads or tails. (completely rambling.)

Tell me why my hearts still beating, but I feel nothing.
Scars mean nothing but prove that the past was/is indeed real.
My head explodes at the thought of you.
You all make me sick.
I'm just visiting in someone elses perfect life.
And I want out.
I dont like the feeling of worthlessness.
Uselessness. Hopelessness.
Why does everything hurt so much, but not at all?
Maybe something is truly wrong with me.
I mean, I'm writing to a blog. Hoping, praying, wishing for it to mean something.
I can tell everyone in the world to look forward to the future.
Because that's what lifes about, is it not?
You need to live for today, but what about tomorrow?
Who cares about today, cause tomorrow is a new day.
Everyday passes, and a new one begins.
It doesnt matter what you did yesterday; the day before that; or the month before that.
The past is the past.
So why are every one of my actions based on my past?
Tell me, why I'm finally over you.
Goddamn it, it took long enough. I'm over you, sweetie. And I feel so alive.
Yet, so unalive. Who knew that was possible?
Me. I've known it forever now.
I hit one extreme or another every year.
No one knows me like you knew me.
God I hate you for being the best I'll ever have.
Ugh you treated me like shit, and I loved it.
Now when a decent guy comes along, and I push them away in hopes they'll stay.
SINCE WHEN is life like that?
Oh thats right, ITS NOT.
Life is hard for 17 year olds these days.
I can only imagine why adults are so scared of the new world.
Think about it. Our world, will be over, with or without 2012.
The world is becoming a horrible place to live in.
Why do young adults have to worry so much about finding love?
Why do young adults have to worry so much about giving it up?
We have our whole lives to find love, to give it up.
So why is it so important to do so, now?
Because todays day and age, everything sucks.
We have rappers like lil wayne, who have fans that are all drug addicts.
The world is scary. Almost as scary as the people in it.
I'm scared of people.
I'm scared of every single person in my life.
Not because they give me a reason to fear them.
But because they are human.
And humans have a way or hurting others, more ways than one.
Physical pain, will leave in time. Emotion and mental, will stay much, much longer than that.
The emotional and mental pain that one could cause another person in that matter of 7 seconds, is shocking.
3 words could turn someones whole life upside down.
A pause, a hesitation, a mood change, can make or break someone.
Why is the world so scary?
Why is it, that the world is a home to so many horrible, yet beautiful things.
I hate that this blog became me talking about the earth.
If just one person, could read this. and see that deep down, I lie with just one look on my face.
I tell you i'm happy, when deep down I'm dying.
Everyday, I pray happiness will find me.
Why cant happiness just find me?
I've been waiting. Whats it waiting for?
I get upset like this, and do horrible, and stupid things.

Dear him..
You, are beautiful.
You, make my entire day, when you text me.
I've been waiting for someone just like you.
But, you're nothing like the guys that have been in my life.
You're so sweet. Kind. Gentle.
You respect girls.
I didn't know people still did that these days.
What the fuck is respect anymore anyway?
You write stories. Do you know how wonderful that is?
You have a vw. Do you know what wonderful that is?
You just have so much in your heart, and I want to know all about you.
I want to know everything.
Not the things I hear. I want you to tell me.
I want you to WANT to tell me.
I want you, to want me.
But I know that's a lot to ask.
You would hate me if you read my blogs.
I've been bitter, coldhearted, and evil for some time now.
And by the looks of it. I always will be.
But I want you so desperately to see my good side.
But you listen to her. You listen to a bitch, about ME being a bitch.
You need to trust me, when I tell you I'm only a bitch when you deserve it.
Yeah I'm moody. I get upset when you dont text me, so i'm gonna BE moody when you finally do.
I just like playing games. And I know I need to stop, but I cant.
I just want you to like me. I want you to see me, how I see myself.
Because when I'm not hating myself, I find myself to be a very interesting girl.
I dont know if others do.
Most people just see me for what I display for everyone to see.
But i want you to dig deeper.
To know the real me.
But, you wont ever want that. Because you believe what people tell you.
If you would believe me for 5 minutes, you'd see I'm not what people say I am. At all.
You need to know I'd do anything for you if you let me.
I hate knowing that you believe people and not me. cause you and I would be good for eachother.
Maybe not. Cause I would hurt you, cause youre so nice that apparently I ruin the good, and make them evil.
Ugh. I hate myself. You should too. I hope you stop talking to me. that way, no one gets hurt.
We'll both be okay in the end. Maybe thats what we're suppose to learn from all of this.
That talking can be good for some time. But when people start to get to emotional about stupid stuff (me..) then its time to hit the road.
From.. me..

Ya know. I feel like I should sleep. But I have so much to say.
Everything is pouring out.
Why does this happen?
Why does "God", let people get so upset over things?
"everything happens for a reason" is a whole bunch of shit too.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever be a good enough reason for people to die.
For people to hurt. Why is God so good, when he lets people experience the worst kind of evil?
Why is life so filled with pain?
People wake up praying for happiness that will never come.
Its the pursuit of happiness, cause one may never actually have it.
And deep down, everyone knows that.
You have to make happiness.
But when your dealt nothing happy in your life, how do you do such a thing?
It seems impossible for some people to just be happy.
Why? Its so easy for people to be upset, or angry.
Why is happiness so hard to grasp and hold on too?
Because happiness, comes with some kind of love.
And love, isnt real.
No love is strong enough to give you happiness all the time.
And why is that?
Because HAPPPINESS, and LOVE, are both two completely different things, that are debateable whether or not someone experiences them or not.
Its a coin game everyday.
Will you find love, or not?
Happiness, or not?
Will you smile today, or not?
Its heads or tailsl; pick one.