You know what ali?
you suck.
and you have no heart.
and you never say the right things, ever.
You dont care about anything.
and you have no one on your side.
You wanna know why I hate you so much ali?
Cause you make me miserable.
You are the worst person I have ever met.
You cant trust a single person.
and when you do, you get hurt, then cry over it.
SUCK IT UP YOU STUPID BITCH.
Your life isnt gonna be perfect.
No one likes you anyway.
You wanna know why your losing your friends?
CAUSE YOU GET PISSED AT EVERYTHING.
your a bitch ali.
a cold, hearted, bitch.
And you wanna know why THEY hate you?
Cause they see you for what you are.
and you think they dont.
OHHH but they do.
They catch on to you ali.
And they dont give a fuck.
they dont care what you do or say.
So stop expecting them too you worthless piece of shit.
Your family knows your not gonna go anywhere in life.
So stop trying.
You suck.
your pathetic.
Now go cry yourself to sleep, Cause thats all your good at anymore.

You know it sucks. You know it. You wake up, and everything just sucks. Like fuck life, yah know? I'm happy for the most part. But I'm becoming alone, again. I guess its a yearly routine. ya know, get the boyfriend, be happy. Then slowly start to ruin it, and second guess, but know that you want the relationship. Lose all your friends, and not care that you're losing them. Miss the past, but want the future. Get sick of everyone and everything around me. Start to think about my past more and more. And want control over my life. Control over something. Anything. That one thing, that I have control over. No, that can't be an option anymore. It wont be... Well.. it can be. It might be. It will be. Yearly routines. Routines:usual pattern of activity: the usual sequence for a set of activities. Yeah, that sounds about right. I did it for the past two years around this time, why stop now. Especially when the reason for stopping isnt there to catch me from falling again? Fuckkk it. Life, is boring. What is life good for anyway? To make you fuck up your life and other peoples before you all just die in the end? Cool God, thanks for giving us that opportunity. Thank you for making me think about why I'm here, because i shouldnt be. I mean, everyone has a purpose? Why dont we all just rebel and fuck the world up. Who even knows how to be happy anymore? Does anyone even know the meaning to the word? No. Probably not. You think you need certain things in your life to be happy. yeah, well, ya dont. You need you to be happy. And apparently, you need sex, love, and drugs too. The world is stupid now. My world is stupid now. OH. yearly routines. Ya know what that means? I get to drink every weekend, for the next 2 months!... fuck this. i hate my life.

Live for today, But stay for tomorrow.

The thing people like me don't realize. Is you really dont need anyone in this world but you. Look at it this way, without you, why would all the other people matter? Why would waking up in the morning matter, if you didnt have to get up FOR YOU. You need to make yourself the way you want. You cant have other people make you for you. Your parents, your friends, your family. Yes. They make a huge difference in our lives, but if you dont have yourself to keep your head up, who else will want to do it for you? If you give up on yourself, everyone else will. No one will be there to hear you when your screaming for help, no one will hear you shout out in a room. You could scream for hours, and no one would turn to face you. Dont give up on yourself. You gotta stay strong. Do everything you feel is right. Deal with the pain in whatever way you feel is right. No, its doesnt matter if its dangerous. because everything, no matter what it is, is up to you. So do whatever you feel is right. When other people judge you, its gonna hurt like hell. And when other people dont like you, or want you to be something your not, its gonna break you down. But the only person who has the right to judge you, is you. The only person who is gonna hurt you in the end, is you. however you judge yourself is whats gonna make or break you. When you wake up in the morning and think about how you dont want to get out of bed, its because you made your previous days seem like the worst days of your life. Who am I to say that your previous days werent the worst days of your life? I'm simply saying, dont think about the bad yesterdays. Think about the great today. Today, is the day you could meet that boy you have been looking for. Today, is that day that you could finally see yourself for who you are. Today, is that day that you look up at the ceiling, and you say your answer outloud. Today, could be that day you find all your answers, where you stop asking questions. Today, is what matters. Not tomorrow, not yesterday. LIVE FOR TODAY. You wanna know what makes you beautiful? Everything about you. Your flaws, your emotions, your thoughts, your dislikes, your likes. Everything about you makes you wonderful. You have to see it if you want anyone else too. I'll tell you right now, You are beautiful. You are what makes this world go round. We, are what make this world go round. Today, is the day you see that nothing in the world matters, if you dont love yourself, and if you dont live for you. Stop worrying about everyone else. Stop worrying that your family doesnt love you. Because truth be told, your family, your friends, the people you dont know, and the people you wish you knew, dont mean a damn thing, if your not happy. So get happy. BE HAPPY. Then you can worry about the rest. How can you want someone to love you, if you dont love yourself? You gotta love yourself. So go fall in love with who you are. Because you will always be your own best friend. No matter what you may be feeling: heartbreak, sadness, depression. Things are never as bad as they seem. You could lose everything, and feel so alone. But you are young. Today, only matters for 24 hours. Tomorrow could make a difference. Live for today, But stay for tomorrow. You really may not have a single person you can trust. But you have your own thoughts. you have your pen, your paper, your keyboard. Last I heard, my thoughts, pen, paper, and keyboard, never let me down. They keep everything I have to say to themselves, and never judge. They take me for who I am. So vent. Write until you cant feel your fingers, and you cant see straight. Write, until your head hurts. Cry, until you cant open up your eyes. Cut, until you want to die. BUT REMEMBER. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. So before you go for that last cut, that last breath, REMEMBER THIS. YOU, are beautiful. YOU are what matters, and YOU mean everything to someone. You might not see it now, and maybe they dont either. But once you live for today, tomorrow is what matters. You'll never find out if you dont stay. Tomorrow is 24 hours away, and I'm not leaving till I figure out how it will end. So stay here. Live for today, Stay for tomorrow.

Last I heard, Silver was better.

You grow up hearing that she will always be your best friend, and that no matter what, you can always trust her, and go to her about everything. You grow up not knowing that one day, you will see she's actually your worst enemy. That you will be judged more by her, than any other girl in school, or any other boy you see at the mall. You will be judged by every single move you make, every single word you speak. You will be compared to something greater than you, and it will eat you alive. No matter how hard you once tried to get that spot light, for even a minute, you grow to realize you will always, and i mean always, be second best. That hard work was for nothing. No. I will never be golden. Last I hear, Silver was better.But who I am, is what I'll be. Who I am, is what you made me. So when you look at me with those judmental eyes, and think all the things i know you will never say, think twice about how i got this way. I dont pick this stuff up on the side of the street. The difference between me and him, I wont be there to sweet talk to, I'll tell you when I dont agree, and when i think what you said, did, are going to do, is FUCKED up. Judge me, I'm stronger now than I have ever been. So in a way, I'm thanking you mom. Thank you for judging me, and making me feel like I'll never be good enough to be your favorite. Thank you mom for yelling at me for being lazy, when he hasn't done a damn thing all week. Thank you mom, for when people ask how your kids are, you start off will talking their ears off about how great your SON is. You have three other children mother. A daughter included. You dont think it hurts when you go on and on about how he is so damn great and so damn perfect, and what can you say about me ma? I know I dont play basketball. and I dont get the grades he does. But you wanna know what I blame it on ma?.. You. You are the reason i dont give a fuck about what i become. About what i have done. Or what i WILL do. You wanna know why i fuck up? You wanna know why i fuck up more than you will ever know ma? Because its better than coming home, and making you think I'm trying to be the best i can be for you. I will go and get hammered. I will go and fail my classes. You wanna know why ma? Cause i dont care what you say about me. I'll never be him. I'll never WANT to be him. Personally, I hate having my picture taken, so why would I want pictures i hate of me up on your walls? You should keep his up there forever. Wait, ma.. Did you forget you have a daughter? Did you forget that she fucking ROCKS at singing, and who loves to dance more than anything? No. Will you?.. No. I dont want you to know. The person i am, is because of you. The person I'm becoming is because of you. You got strong from your mistakes. And now i'm getting stronger from those mistakes too. Who knew that not only you would learn and grow from fucking up in your life huh ma? "Your nothing like your brother when it comes to this" .. I'm nothing like my brother ever. I dont have the father, or the mother that he does. When i say he's golden, I'm saying he's the best looking fucking gold chain at Kays. You wanna know the difference between me and him ma?... I'll never be what you want me to be, And he's already everything you formed him into. He can be your puppet. I'll be your stray dog. When I run away, will you miss me? Will you call? Will you get everyone to look for me? Will you talk everyones ears off about how your such a good mother, and that you wish you could have done something to keep me here? Or will you do exactly what you do now. Make me look like the fool ma? Do i look like a fool to you? I bet I do. Ask me if i care. Cause I will tell you straight up, I dont give a fuck. You and I are close: so close I can walk in and out of your life, and it wont make a difference. Keep up what your doing ma. You think I will change my mind? Do you think I'll be your puppet? Your robot? Your doll? I wont. Next time you come to me and talk about how its okay that i dont like my father, you might wanna talk about how its okay to not like my mother too. Lets throw in my stepfather too. What happens ma, when every single parent you have, you hate? No ma. Don't take that the wrong way. I dont hate you. I hate what you do. what you say. I disrespect you. I dont agree with what you do. what you say. Judge me ma. Gives me all the more strength so that i can walk away. So thank you mom, for making me not know what the real definition of love is. For making me think love isnt real. and for making me feel like there will always be someone more important than me. Thank you mom. Cause all of my flaws, are from you. And like I said, the last I heard, Silver was better.

It's hard to get out of bed in the morning.

Theres a difference between wanting to warn someone,and just being a douche bag. I dont remember the last time i ever asked what you thought about him. i dont remember the last time i asked you to go and talk to someone about him. and i sure as hell dont remember the last time, all my friends ganged up about someone i like. so you can fuck off. i'll make the mistake on my own. and as far as im concerned he's not a mistake. so fuck off.

It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, when you dont have a reason. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, when you cant even think straight. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, when you cant remember the last time you were actually happy to get out of bed. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, without a smile on your face. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, when you know today isnt gonna be as good as your yesterdays once were. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, when the first thing you want to do is end everything. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, when you just woke up from a haunted dream, but that dream was so real, and hurt so bad, and brought you back to the only time you were happy, that you just want to sleep and finish that nightmare. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, when you dont remember the last time you had a dream, and you cant remember when you started having the nightmares. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning, when you hate everything you've become, everything you want, everything you need. nothing is in your reach anymore. everything that was once right in front of your face, right in screaming range, is gone. everything that made you feel whole, is gone. everything that made you, you, is gone. but now you gotta build a new you. you cant think of how hard it is to get out of bed, you gotta think about how hard it would be to STAY in bed. how hard it would be to watch the world go on without you. because you and i both know, that it will. its not gonna stop just because you're not in it. the world, the people, the plants, the air, everything, will go on. no one will stop to think about you. you need to get out of bed in the morning no matter how hard. because once you give up on you, everyone else will too.

you know better than anyone

Its funny when the only way you know how to be, is the one way you never wanted to be. you look at yourself in the mirror and wish you were different. but you know better than anyone you wont change. you'll be this way forever. no one will change it. you dont want anyone to help you change. but then again, you dont want to change. you go from day to day with a smile on your face. some days its a real smile, but you cant help but fake it too. days are too long, and nights are too short. you cant dream cause its haunted by memories you dont want to think about. you cant stay awake because you hate reality more than you hate your nightmares. you stare at the ceiling hoping for an answer. but you know better than anyone that your questions will never be answered. you hope for a hand to reach out and catch you while your falling, but you know better than anyone, that you will always fall, and the only one who will ever be able to save you is yourself. you'll never be perfect, and you never want to be. you like yourself when other people like you, and hate yourself when other people hate you. you never know if you like who you are, or if you hate who you are. so you live your life wondering what it would be like to be different. but you know better than anyone, that you will never be different and not everyone will ever like you. no ones perfect. no one isnt beautiful. no one knows every answer. and no one knows whats gonna happen next. you have to live your days knowing that you dont know whats going to happen, and not knowing what you want to happen. you cant be happy without a heart. but you and i both know that i dont have a heart. i feel nothing. i dont care about anything. and i know better than anyone that i wont change. i know better than anyone that i'll always be broken.

Best friend!

Marissa Ward is the only reason I have this.




"What I really want, deep down, is to open my door and see nothing but a black void there, a deathless, endless abyss. And I'll know then that the world has gone away and that I'll never have to worry about it or puzzle over it again. I flirt with the fantasy that the abyss IS right outside my door, but I know that it's not true. I'm not that lucky."